Welcome to Mariah Week! How would you describe Mariah Carey? One word is not enough. In fact, 1000 words would not be enough. That's why ELLE.com is celebrating the elusive chanteuse all week. Stay tuned for more Mariah.
Mariah's World, the E! docuseries following the adventures of the elusive chanteuse, is finally here and not a moment too soon. It goes without saying that Mariah's world bears little to no relation to the "real" world. The question on the table, then, is "Is Mariah's world better than ours?" We're going to spend the next eight weeks together circumnavigating that world to find out. As your faithful recapper, I guess that makes me Magellan. Except without the whole being good at math and science part.
I'm more like Ma-Jell-O.
Ma-pudding. This is already out of control.
I want to actually recap the things that happen in this show, but, as my husband remarked while we watched it, Mariah's World is basically "an hour of Snapchats." Legit, there are four different montages in the first 10 minutes. So, instead of telling you about the plot I'm just going to shout things that happen and then move on. It's what Mariah would want.
[youtube ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoO-_JEaTKg&list=PLzZHwi1aXgPqNr19GVwvD_KATw6ye-TeZ&index=2[/youtube]
Mariah's World begins with three full minutes of clips from the show we're about to watch. They have no context whatsoever and, as expected, it feels like the most delightful psychotic break you've ever experienced. I literally have no idea what happened during the entire thing and I loved every minute of it.
NEXT!
Bianca Storm, Mariah's alter-ego/nemesis who got beat down in the "Heartbreaker" video opens the show by telling us how much she hates Mariah.
Then she introduces another montage of all of Mariah's career accomplishments. I feel like Bianca has some conflicted feelings about Mariah. Legit, I would gladly watch a full hour of Mariah in a dark wig talking trash about herself while makeup artists poke at her face. Somehow it feels therapeutic.
NEXT!
Mariah, in a solemn moment, explains her decisions for doing this show. "If I don't document this now, I don't know when I'm going to do it again. But I think once I do I'm really going to treasure it," she says. Which, I believe, translates into "They offered me a lot of money. IDK whatever."
NEXT!
You know how some couples have separate bedrooms and it's totes normal? Well, Mariah and her fiancé, James, have separate yachts. Yachts, girl! Yachts.
Mariah explains this by saying "I'm a night person," as if that is in any way reasonable. Her sleep apnea machine is so loud that he just had to go buy a $5 million boat to get some shut-eye. Girl, what? You like to stay up at night so your man has to park 60 knots away? Is that even how you measure distance on the sea? Probably knot.
NEXT!
[youtube ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ilrcLCp0vg&list=PLzZHwi1aXgPqNr19GVwvD_KATw6ye-TeZ&index=5[/youtube]
Mariah has four people who help her put on shoes! While they fuss at her feet like Mary Magdalene, Mariah says, "Oprah told me, 'don't let anyone think that you don't know how to put on your shoes anymore.'" So now we know that somewhere Oprah is judging Mariah. The plot thickens.
Just kidding! There is no plot.
NEXT!
Mariah and Stella
We meet Stella Bulochnikov, Mariah's manager. She's wearing an earbud in one year, a black tank top and a black hoodie dangling around her shoulders. She's giving me "North Jersey mom on her way to Zumba". This is the person who runs Mariah's life. Suddenly everything makes sense.
NEXT!
We then meet Molly, who is applying to be the tour assistant. Molly already seems overwhelmed. She is wearing a dress that looks like it has every Batman sound effect on it and she seems to be coming down from an acid trip. I am vexed.
This is Molly
Seriously, this is what the dress looks like up close:
Anyway, during the interview, Stella tells Molly that she has two rules:
- You're not allowed to date for the first year;
- There's no crying in my office.
I admire how short Stella's employee handbook is but I am concerned this leaves a lot of room for other problematic behavior. To wit, we cut to a scene of Mariah and Stella having a planning meeting about her upcoming tour.
Mariah is having a business meeting while fully reclining, with her hair laid like gold and silver. There is no agenda. No one is taking minutes. I just need to point this out.
OH! Sorry, I forgot to mention, apparently this episode is about the complexity of planning a European tour and a wedding at the same time. We are just finding this information out about 23 minutes into the episode so clearly it is crucial.
Not only are they doing this planning at the same time but they only have two and a half weeks to pull it off. I'm confused about this timeline. Why is only one person working on this? Why is that person Earbud Stella? Where's Molly? Picking out more outfits from the Mrs. Frizzle line at Kohl's? Secretly crying in Stella's office? I have some questions. See me after class.
NEXT!
Mariah is constantly in lingerie, horizontal and dripping with diamonds. I feel like this goes without saying, but I also feel Mariah would be very offended if I didn't mention it. I like to imagine that because she treats underwear as everyday wear, when she climbs into bed at night she throws on a sensible pair of khakis and a polo shirt like a salesperson at Best Buy.
NEXT!
Mariah and Bryan
We meet Anthony Burrell, Mariah's choreographer, who is rehearsing in a room of muscled men in black tank tops. They reveal that they have eight guys but can only take six on tour (why? I dunno. It'll weigh down the stage? It's Mariah's world; gravity is different.) They all take their shirts off to help Mariah make the decision. This feels like a "hostile work environment" lawsuit waiting to happen. Anyway, we're supposed to feel some suspense about it but two of the dancers have had their faces blurred out for the whole scene so you don't have to be Murder, She Wrote to figure out who didn't make the cut.
NEXT!
OMG we're at Molly's apartment.
She's breaking the news to her boyfriend, Yoga Bun, that she got the job she was interviewing for last week, just in case the two cameras crowding their studio didn't give it away. I presume that Molly's boyfriend has a real world name, but all I can remember is that he was wearing a man bun that screamed "I just got back from doing an afternoon of Bikram. Also we're out of kombucha."
She tells Yoga Bun that she can't have a boyfriend so she has to keep him a secret (by putting him on camera and having him sign a waiver). He's like "K, all that checks out. Well, have fun in Europe. Do you want to eat In-N-Out first?"
Yoga Bun is in denial, y'all. He's literally breaking down inside.
Meanwhile back at the ranch Stella is like "Bish you can't go on tour and get married at the same time." To which Mariah responds by artfully posing in a window with a phone pressed to her ear.
She makes a call to James to see if he's okay with her postponing the wedding. I'm no expert on asking a fiancé annoying questions about a wedding (JK, yes I am. I have a Masters in "Don't be mad but…") Anyway, I feel like you maybe want to have that conversation in person. Like, take your diamond encrusted dingy over to his yacht and hash it out, maybe?
The soundtrack slips into a minor key. The suspense is momentarily too much to bear until I remember that James and Mariah broke up last month (in the real world, at least). So, in summary, a couple hotties with blurry faces aren't going to Europe and Mariah's cancelled wedding has been postponed. We're really making progress here!
NEXT!
Now Mimi is learning a lift. She is wearing a gigantic fringe poncho.
Stella compares Mariah to Ivan Drago. Favorably. Stella is like a diva Kellyanne Conway.
The production manager and the costume designer butt heads over a tear-away pants crisis.
NEXT!
OMG we're back with Molly Frizzle. She's in Glasgow for the tour and she is struggling to get a suitcase up the stairs to Mariah's room. Girl is pressed.
Her job is to set up the Apple TV in Mariah's room because Mariah needs it to sleep. M. Frizz is freaking out about this! There are, like, two wires and a remote and she has a complete meltdown. She can't get it set up and she starts to cry. OMG RULE NUMBER TWO!
Meanwhile Maria, Mariah's housekeeper, is like "Bish you cray. Take a Xanax. You want me to Google the instructions for you?"
Anyway the show ends without Molly getting the TV set up. They just pull the plug on that scene. They are forgetting it happened while it happened.
Part of me hopes that they are leaving a cliffhanger for next week (Will Mariah ever get to sleep without Apple TV or will she suffer a crippling bout of insomnia that eventually drives her mad? What is madness like in Mariah's World? Does it manifest in sitting upright and wearing clothes with sleeves? Perish the thought.) Anyway, you know as well as I do that we're never coming back to the Apple TV plot. This ain't Frizzle's World. This isn't the Yoga Bun Diaries.
Instead of a resolution to that plot we cut to a scene of Mariah showing up three hours late for rehearsal in Glasgow. She collapses on the couch that always seems to be waiting just off screen. (PS, how does she actually collapse if she's never upright? Mariah's World has different rules.) "This is lunacy," she moans.
ACCURATE.
Is Mariah's World better than the "real" world?
Week 1 answer: No. Mostly because of Molly Frizzle's struggle. Molly Frizzle is all of us.
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